Daily Archives: February 6, 2012
What Might Each GOP Candidates Acceptance Speech Sound Like? Here’s Our Take
Our take on what the remaining 4 GOP candidates nomination acceptance speeches may sound like.
Mitt Romney
First I want to say that I proudly accept the Republican nomination for President of the United States. Me and my family are honored that Republican voters decided that despite my lack of personality I’m the man to take on President Obama this Fall.
Now I know you really had no other viable options, we’re just glad the option you didn’t really want to pick was Team Romney.
Now I know I haven’t been that great at getting through a simple interview without providing Democrats with a great political ad to slam me on, and I promise here today that I will continue to provide them plenty of ammunition to make me look like the out of touch 1%er that we all know that I am.
My record of creating jobs speaks for itself, just please don’t ask how many jobs we eliminated while I ran Bain Capital…completely ruins my talking point.
Recently I said I’m not concerned about the very poor, and I stand by that. I’m not. They’re probably too poor to make it to the voting booths anyway so they really don’t concern me. Who I am concerned about are people with televisions, internet access or the ability to use logic or reason. They’re going to be highly detrimental to our efforts convincing Americans that Obama somehow caused an economic crash nearly 2 years before he ever took office.
Some say I’m not in touch with the average American which is just absurd. Have you seen how many hands I’ve shaken? That, my friends, is a lot of touching.
I believe corporations are people. Sure they can violate laws, cheat taxes, cost millions of dollars, act unethical, and suffer no punishment by law for most, if any, of their criminal acts but that doesn’t mean they’re not people. I fully support a corporation’s right to marry, as long as it isn’t to a same-sex corporation.
Some say I flip flop on the issues, but they couldn’t be more wrong. Then again I may change my mind on that in a few minutes so I’ll get back to that.
There was a big issue with my tax returns. Worry not fellow Americans. You didn’t even see the worst of my returns. If you had seen the returns from 2006-2009, when our economy was headed for a crash, and saw how much money I made off of it, you’d really be upset.
I said I like the ability to fire people and it’s true. Our ability to fire people is what makes Americans great. Do you know how many middle class Americans you have to fire to make my millions? Heck my home in San Diego was paid for by a big layoff of middle class Americans just a few years ago. The view is phenomenal.
I know I may not be the most inspirational candidate out there. I know that if there were any credible options to run for the GOP nomination I wouldn’t be standing here now. I know that with every interview I give I prove nearly every American stereotype possible about the wealthy. I know that the more Americans get to know about me the less they like me. I know that there are rumors that some of you feel that I’m in fact a robot.
I know all of this, and still you voted for me. Crazy right? What else were you going to do, pick Newt Gingrich? We knew that wasn’t really going to happen.
So my fellow Americans I thank you from the deepest part of my pocketbooks. Without your lack of options for a Republican Presidential nomination I wouldn’t be here today.
Thank you!
Newt Gingrich:
Before I start, I will not be accepting any questions or comments from the socialist, freedom hating liberal media. I will not feed into gotcha questions that expose my past infidelity, unethical behavior and failures.
We’re not here for the truth, we’re here to celebrate our victory for America.
I want to start off by saying I will refuse to participate in any debate with a moderate from the liberal media. The last thing I want them to do is expose my character or past as it would be extremely damaging to my chances of beating Obama.
Have I had multiple affairs? Yes. But I did it for the love of my country. Did both of my ex wives have life threatening illnesses when I left them? Of course they did, it just showed how dedicated I was to the service to my country that I left women in poor health to make the sacrifice for this great nation.
Was I found guilty of ethics violations and removed as Speaker of the House by both Republicans and Democrats? Yes I was. But tell me who here among us has not had multiple affairs, been fined $300,000, and removed as Speaker of the House for ethics violations? It’s more common than you think, especially on the moon.
Some say I have a giant ego, but those people are idiots and can’t understand the vastness of my brain capacity. They simply lack the ability to discuss the issues at the same advanced level as myself.
I am a good moral Christian. I believe homosexuals threaten the sanctity of marriage. I will not allow that. No person who seeks destroys the sacred bond of marriage between a man and multiple women should have any right to legally marry.
I know some who supported Romney may not like the fact I won, to those I say, “Tough shit!” Do I look like a man who cares what you think of me? I’m too humble to worry about your opinion.
So, in closing I accept this nomination for Republican candidate for President and I promise to uphold and stand for the same ethical and moral behavior I have throughout my life.
Thank you.
Ron Paul:
Liberty! WOOOO
Legalize drugs! WOOO
War is bad! WOOO
Government is the devil! WOOO
I’m not a racist. Why aren’t there minorities in the crowd before us today? Ummm, I guess they couldn’t make it. And please pay no attention to those pointy hooded security gentleman behind the curtain….
Liberty! WOOOO
Thank you!
Rick Santorum:
I’m proud to accept this God-given nomination for the Republican Presidential candidate.
We’re going to keep this simple…gays are bad.
My first act as President will be to round-up all homosexuals and ship them somewhere else. I feel this action will instantly:
Balance our budget
Eliminate our deficits
Secure our borders
Eliminate divorce
End all murders
Wipe all STD’s from our existence
Solve our homeless problem
End alcoholism
End all global conflict
Learn the secret to traveling at the speed of light
Figure out who shot Kennedy
And solve the mystery of how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood
Just to name a few of the instances that the elimination of homosexual will immediately fix.
To women out there, I represent you as well. I just don’t care about your rights. If you were raped, God meant for you to be raped. Don’t feel bad or like a victim. It’s a blessing. Heck, each day I hope every woman that goes out late at night might experience such a blessing. We pray for that blessing from God, and you should to.
In closing, I proudly accept the nomination from God for the GOP Presidential candidate…and homosexuals are bad, mmmmkay?Thank you!
